Chasing Lizzie McGuire, Will Hunting and Friends
by Sweetwater Gal
Summary: Someone's been watching a little too much TV and movies.... R is for the language
1. The Accident

CHASING LIZZIE MCGUIRE,

CHASING LIZZIE MCGUIRE, WILL HUNTING AND FRIENDS.  


  
A/N & DISCLAIMER: No body belongs to me. The script formats of Chasing Amy, Friends, and Good Will Hunting also don't belong to me. All I did was change the original names and replaced it with the characters of Lizzie McGuire. All in all, just have fun! And please R&R with no flames. I'm in no mood to heal any severe burns!   
  
*******************************  
  
"Aw shit!"  
  
Sixteen year old Miranda Sanchez stopped, then glanced over at person right next to her, watching him as he cursed silently up the ying-yang.  
  
"Gordo!"  
  
David "Gordo" Gordon met eyes with his best friend, "What?"  
  
"You know how I hate it when I hear you swearing!"  
  
Gordo tossed Miranda a "Oh, like you're so innocent yourself?" look. "What? Like you don't curse when Kate's around?"  
  
"That's different!" Miranda began to protest.  
  
"Oh sure it is." Gordo smirked. He crossed his arms, "Explain then the difference between me cursing up the ying-yang and you swearing at Kate Sanders!"  
  
"Kate deserves it!" Miranda proclaimed. "Sure, just because you dropped your Pepsi on the school floor, that doesn't give you the right to swear. You could've just said, Aw, man, I just spilled my drink' and be done with it!" She poked his chest with her index finger, "And that, Mister Gordon, is the difference."  
  
Gordo looked at Miranda, then rolled his eyes and sighed. "Whatever." He mumbled, then turned to face his locker.  
  
"Hey! You gotta clean your mess up, Gordo!" Miranda indicated to the liquid spill right next to them.  
  
"Duh! What do you think I'm doing, Sanchez?" Gordo spun around, facing Miranda with a cloth in hand make that, a shirt in hand.  
  
"Ew! Gross, Gordo! How long have you had that gym shirt in there?!"  
  
"What?! I'll have you know, Sanchez, that I just washed this shirt!"  
  
She placed her hands on her hips, giving him a "Don't lie to me" look.  
  
Gordo smiled shyly, then mumbled, "Okay, I washed this three weeks ago."  
  
Miranda shuddered with revulsion. "Gross, Gordon! Really, really, gross!"  
  
Gordo was about to protest, when suddenly a voice was heard calling out to them.  
  
"Gordo! Miranda! Hey!"  
  
Miranda and Gordo turned to face their child hood best friend, Elizabeth "Lizzie" McGuire heading towards them, waving her hand frantically.  
  
"Hey, guys! Have I got some news for—"  
  
"Lizzie! Wait!" They cried out, wanting to warn her about Gordo's spill  
  
"Yyooouuu!!" She cried out, just before she slipped and crashed onto the floor.  
  
Miranda and Gordo just stood there, stunned by the accident. Everyone around them stopped in their places, equally surprised. They all stood there, waiting for a response from the young blond woman.  
  
It was Gordo who finally broke out of his state, kneeling by her side. "Lizzie! Oh my God, I am so sorry! Lizzie! Lizzie!"  
  
"Gordo! Look what you've done!" Miranda cried, stooping besides Lizzie's other side.  
  
"She's not moving." Gordo turned looked up at the gathering crowd, "Someone get some help! NOW!"  
  
"Oh, Lizzie please open your eyes! Please let us know that you're okay please speak up! Say anything, Liz! Anything! Especially Miranda, I give you permission to kick Gordo's ass!'" Miranda glared heavyly at Gordo, only to be ignored by him.  
  
"Lizzie Oh God, Liz. I am so sorry!"  
  
Unfortunately, the young McGuire woman couldn't hear her friends' desperate cries. No instead, she began to slip slip very deeply very very deeply  
  


********************  



	2. Dreaming of my F*R*I*E*N*D*S

Images begin to swirl.

  
Images begin to swirl. Six friends dancing and laughing in and around a fountain area. The theme song for the hit NBC show "Friends" is playing in the background. Instead of the usual bunch, we see a group of late twenty early thirty gang that is Lizzie, Gordo, Miranda, Kate, Matt, and Ethan. FYI: Lizzie is Monica, Gordo is Chandler, Miranda is Rachel, Ethan is Joey, Phoebe is Kate, Matt is Ross, and Ugly Naked Guy is replaced by Ugly Naked Tudgeman.  
  


[Scene: Ugly Naked Tudgeman's apartment, Matt, Miranda, and Kate are checking out the place. Luckily, Ugly Naked Tudgeman is nowhere to be seen.]  
Matt: Oh my God! I love this apartment! Isn't it perfect?! I can't believe I never realized how great it is!  
Miranda: Well that is because your eye immediately goes to the skinny naked man.  
Kate: It's amazing! You better hurry up and fill out an application or I'm gonna beat you to it.  
Matt: (laughing) Ohh. (Kate takes a couple of steps to the door and Matt quickly hurries out.)  
Miranda: Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm gonna go use Ugly Naked Tudgeman's bathroom. (Does so.)  
Kate: (looking out the window) Oh, look! There's Lizzie and Gordo! (Starts yelling.) Hey! Hey, you guys! Hey! (Gordo and Lizzie start taking each other's clothes off.) Ohh!! Ohh! Ahh-ahhh!!  
Miranda: What?!  
Kate: (screaming) Ahhh!! Gordo and Lizzie!! Gordo and Lizzie!!  
Miranda: Oh my God!  
Kate: GORDO AND LIZZIE!!!!  
Miranda: OH MY GOD!!!  
Kate: OH!! MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!!  
Miranda: Kate!! Kate!! It's okay!! It's okay!!  
Kate: NO! THEY'RE DOING IT!!!  
Miranda: I KNOW!! I KNOW!! I KNOW!  
Kate: YOU KNOW?!!!  
Miranda: Yes, I know! And Ethan knows! But Matt doesn't know so you have to stop screaming!!  
Matt: (entering) What's going on?  
Kate and Miranda: Ohhh!!!  
Miranda: (trying to divert his attention from the window by jumping up and down) HI!! Hi!   
Matt: What?! What?!  
Miranda: Nothing! Oh God, we're just so excited that you want to get this apartment!  
Matt: Actually, it looks really good. (Turns towards the window and now Kate starts jumping to divert his attention.)  
Kate: (Screaming incoherently.) Get in here!!! (Motions to join her and Miranda.)  
(Matt starts jumping and screaming incoherently and hops over and joins in on the group hug.)   
  
[Scene: Central Perk, Kate and Miranda are there talking about Gordo and Lizzie.]  
Kate: You mean whenever Lizzie and Gordo where like y'know doing laundry or going grocery shopping or—Oh! All that time Lizzie spent on the phone with sad Linda from camp!  
Miranda: Uh-huh, doing it. Doing it. Phone doing it.  
Kate: Oh! Oh, I can't believe it! I mean I think it's great! For him. She might be able to do better.  
Ethan: (entering) Hey guys!  
Miranda: Ethan! Come here! Come here!  
Ethan: What? What?  
Miranda: Kate just found out about Lizzie and Gordo.  
Ethan: You mean how they're friends and nothing more? (Glares at Miranda.)  
Miranda: No. Ethan, she knows! We were at Ugly Naked Tudgeman's apartment and we saw them doing it through the window. (Ethan gasps) Actually, we saw them doing it up against the window.  
Kate: Okay, so now they know that you know and they don't know that Miranda knows?  
Ethan: Yes, but y'know what? It doesn't matter who knows what. Now, enough of us know that we can just tell them that we know! Then all the lying and the secrets would finally be over!  
Kate: Or, we could not tell them we know and have a little fun of our own.  
Miranda: Wh-what do you mean?  
Kate: Well y'know every time that they say that like they're doing laundry we'll just give them a bunch of laundry to do.  
Miranda: Ohhh, I-I would enjoy that!  
Ethan: No-no-no! No-no wait Miranda, you know what would even be more fun? Telling them.  
Miranda: Ehhh, no, I wanna do Kate's thing.  
Ethan: I can't take any  
Kate: No! You don't have to do anything! Just don't tell them that we know!  
Ethan: Noo! I can't take any more secrets! (To Miranda) I've got your secrets. I've got their secrets. I got secrets of my own y'know!  
Miranda: You don't have any secrets!  
Ethan: Oh yeah? Well, you don't know about Hugsy, my bedtime penguin pal. (Ethan shies away.)  
Miranda: (To Kate) So umm, how-how are we gonna mess with them?  
Ethan: Ugh.  
Kate: Well, you could use your position y'know as the roommate.  
Miranda: Okay.  
Kate: And then. I would use y'know the strongest tool at my disposal. My sexuality.  
Gordo: (entering) Hello children!  
All: Hey!  
Kate: Okay, watch, learn, and don't eat my cookie.  
(She gets up and goes over to Gordo who's ordering some coffee from Sam McGuire.)  
Gordo: Hey.  
Kate: Hey! Ooh, wow that jacket looks great on you!  
Gordo: Really?  
Kate: (feels his arm) Yeah the material feels so soft—hello Mr. Bicep! Have you been working out?  
Gordo: Well, I try to y'know, squeeze things. (Kate giggles uncontrollably.) Are you okay?  
Kate: Well, if you really wanna know, I'm—Oh! I can't tell you this.  
Gordo: Kate, it's me. You can tell me anything.  
Kate: Well actually you're the one person I can't tell this too. And the one person I want to the most.  
Gordo: What's going on?  
Kate: I think it's just y'know that I haven't been with a guy in so long and how sometimes you're looking for something and you just don't even see that it's right there in front of you sipping coffee—Oh no, have I said to much? Well it's just something to think about. I know I will.  
(She makes a show of bending over to get her coat and showing off her bum. She then walks out, leaving no one to eat her cookie.)  
  
[Scene: Lizzie and Miranda's, Matt is looking at Ugly Naked Tudgeman's apartment through binoculars.]  
Matt: Noooo.  
Miranda: Oh Matt, honey you gotta stop torturing yourself!  
Kate: Yeah, why don't you just find another apartment?  
Matt: Look I've already looked at like a thousand apartments this month and none of them even compares to that one!  
Miranda: Y'know what you should do?  
Matt: Huh?  
Miranda: You should find out what his hobbies are and then use that to bond with him. Yeah! Like if I would strike up a conversation to Ethan about say umm, sandwiches. Or uh, or my underwear.  
Ethan: I'm listening.  
Miranda: (To Matt) See?  
Matt: That is a great idea! And! I know Ugly Naked Tudgeman because we've been watching him for like five years so that gives me back my edge! Oh, let's see now he had the trampoline.  
Kate: He broke that.  
Matt: Well, he had gravity boots.  
Miranda: Yeah, he broke those too.  
Ethan: So he likes to break stuff.  
Matt: Okay, I've got to go pick up Ben but I-I will figure something out. (He opens the door and stops.) Hey, didn't he used to have a cat?  
Kate: I wouldn't bring that up, it would probably just bum him out.  
Ethan: Yeah, poor cat, never saw that big butt coming.  
Matt: Right. (Exits.)  
(The phone rings and Miranda answers it.)  
Miranda: Hello! (Listens) Oh yeah! Hey! Hold on a second she's right here! (To Kate) It's Gordo.  
Kate: (in a sexy voice) Oh? (Takes the phone from Miranda.) Hello you.  
Gordo: Hello Kate, I've been thinking about you all day. (He's holding the phone so that Lizzie can hear it as well.)  
Kate: Eh?  
Gordo: Well you know that thing you said before, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't intrigued.  
Kate: Really?  
Gordo: Yeah, listen, Ethan isn't gonna be here tonight so why don't you come over and I'll let you uh, feel my bicep. Or maybe more.  
Kate: I'll have to get back to you on that. Okay, bye! (Hangs up.) Oh my God! He wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more!  
Miranda: Are you kidding?!  
Kate: No!  
Miranda: I can not believe he would do that to Liz—Whoa! (She stops suddenly and slowly turns to point at Ethan. Ethan is avoiding her eyes.) Ethan, do they know that we know?  
Ethan: No.  
Miranda: Ethan!  
Ethan: They know you know.  
Miranda: Ugh, I knew it! Oh I cannot believe those two!  
Kate: God, they thought they can mess with us! They're trying to mess with us?! They don't know that we know they know we know! (Ethan just shakes his head.) Ethan, you can't say anything!  
Ethan: I couldn't even if I wanted too.  
  
[Scene: Lizzie and Miranda's, Gordo and Lizzie and Miranda and Kate are planning their respective strategies to break the other pairing. Ethan is not amused.  
Lizzie: (in the kitchen with Gordo) Look at them, they're-they're panicked!  
Gordo: Oh yeah, they're totally gonna back down!  
Lizzie: Oh yeah!  
[Cut to Kate and Miranda sitting on the couch.]  
Kate: All right. All right! If he wants a date? He's gonna get a date. All right, I'm gonna go in.  
Miranda: All right. Be sexy.  
Kate: (laughs) Please.  
(She saunters over to Gordo with a mean pair of 'Come hither' eyes and she glares at Lizzie.)  
Kate: So Gordo, I-I'd love to come by tonight.  
Gordo: (initially worried, but gets over it) Really?  
Kate: Oh absolutely. Shall we say, around seven?  
Gordo: Yes.  
Kate: Good. I'm really looking forward to you and me having sexual intercourse.  
(As she walks away, Gordo mouths a scream to Lizzie. How motions and mouths, "It's okay, it's okay.")  
Ethan: (looking out the window) Hey-hey, check it out! Check it out! Ugly Naked Tudgeman has a naked friend!  
(They all run over to the window.)  
Miranda: Oh yeah! (She gasps.) Oh my God! That is our friend! (Lizzie covers her face.) It's Naked Matt! (Lizzie turns and buries her face in Gordo's shoulder.)  
All: Yeah, it is! Naked Matt!!  
  
[Scene: Lizzie and Miranda's, Miranda is getting Kate ready for her date.]  
Miranda: Show time!  
Kate: Okay, Miranda, get me perfume!  
Miranda: Okay! (She runs to get some.)  
Kate: And Ethan, get me a bottle of wine and glasses? (He begrudgingly does so.)  
(In the meantime, Miranda has returned with the perfume and sprays a mist out in front of Kate who walks through the mist and does a little spin.)  
[Cut to Gordo, Ethan, and Matt's, Lizzie is getting Gordo ready for his half of the plan.]  
Lizzie: All right, it'll be great! You just make her think you wanna have sex with her! It'll totally freak her out!  
Gordo: Okay, listen, how far am I gonna have to go with her?  
Lizzie: Relax, she-she's gonna give in way before you do!  
Gordo: How do you know?!  
Lizzie: Because you're on my team! And my team always wins!  
Gordo: At this?!  
Lizzie: Just go get some! (Kisses him.) Go! (She runs to hide in the bathroom.)  
[Cut to the hallway, Kate is outside getting some last minute instructions from Miranda.]  
Miranda: (handing her the wine) Okay honey, now I'm gonna try to listen from right here!  
Kate: Okay.  
Miranda: Okay? Whoa, wait! (She undoes one button on Kate's dress.)  
Kate: Good idea!   
Miranda: Yeah, oh wait! (She goes for another one.)   
Kate: Oh now, don't give away the farm!  
(Kate knocks on the door with the wine and Gordo answers it. Miranda hides next to the door.)  
Gordo: Kate.  
Kate: Gordo.  
Gordo: Come on in.  
Kate: I was going too. (They go inside and he closes the door.) Umm, I brought some wine. Would you like some?  
Gordo: Sure.  
(She makes a big show out of pulling out the cork and pours the wine.)  
Kate: So, here we are. Nervous?  
Gordo: Me? No. You?  
Kate: No, I want this to happen.  
Gordo: So do I.  
(They click their glasses and take a sip. That sip turns into a gulp, which quickly progresses into their mutual draining of their glasses at once.)  
Gordo: I'm gonna put on some music.  
Kate: Maybe, maybe I'll dance for you. (She starts doing a rather suggestive and seductive dance that's silly at the same time.)  
Gordo: You look good.  
Kate: Thanks! Y'know, that when you say things like that it makes me wanna rip that sweater vest right off!  
Gordo: Well, why don't we move this into the bedroom?  
Kate: Really?  
Gordo: Oh, do you not want to?  
Kate: No. No! It's just y'know first, I wanna take off all my clothes and have you rub lotion on me.  
Gordo: (swallowing hard) Well that would be nice. I'll go get the lotion.  
[Cut to the bathroom, Gordo is entering.]  
Gordo: Listen, this is totally getting out of hand! Okay? She wants me to put lotion on her!   
Lizzie: She's bluffing!  
Gordo: Look, she's not backing down! She went like this! (He does a little mimic of her dance.)  
[Cut to the hallway where Kate is conferring with Miranda.]  
Kate: He's not backing down. He went to get lotion.  
Ethan: (entering the hall) Oh man! Aren't you guys done yet?! I wanna sit in my chair!  
Miranda: Ethan look, just look at it this way, the sooner Kate breaks Gordo the sooner this is all over and out in the open.  
Ethan: Ooh!  
Miranda: Okay!  
Ethan: I like that! (To Kate) Oh, okay! Show him your bra! He's afraid of bras! Can't work 'em! (He swiftly rips open the front of Kate's dress revealing her bra.)  
Kate: Ethan! (Examining the dress.) Wow, you didn't rip off any buttons.  
Ethan: It's not my first time.  
[Cut to the bathroom.]  
Lizzie: You go back out there and you seduce her till she cracks!  
Gordo: Okay, give me a second! (Pause) Did you clean up in here?  
Lizzie: Of course.  
[Cut back to the living room. Gordo slowly exits the bathroom and gets pushed from behind by Lizzie and sees Kate closing the apartment door.)  
Gordo: Oh, you're-you're going?  
Kate: Umm, not without you, lover. (She slowly walks over to him and is showcasing her bra.) So, this is my bra.  
Gordo: (swallowing hard) It's very, very nice. Well, come here. I'm very were gonna be having all the sex.  
Kate: You should be. I'm very bendy. (Pause) I'm gonna kiss you now.  
Gordo: Not if I kiss you first.  
(They move closer to together and Kate hesitantly puts her hand on Gordo's hip. He puts his hand on her left hip but then decides to put his hand on her left hip. Kate then grabs his butt. Gordo goes for her breast, but stops and puts his hand on her shoulder.)  
Kate: Ooh.  
Gordo: Well, I guess there's nothing left for us to do but-but kiss.  
Kate: Here it comes. Our first kiss.  
(They slowly and hesitantly move their lips together and kiss gently. Kate has her eyes wide open in shock and Gordo is squinting. He finally breaks the kiss after only a short while and pushes Kate away.)  
Gordo: Okay! Okay! Okay! You win! You win!! I can't have sex with ya!  
Kate: And why not?!  
Gordo: Because I'm in love with Lizzie!!  
Kate: You're-you're what?!  
(Lizzie comes out of the bathroom like a bolt, and Miranda and Ethan both enter.)  
Gordo: Love her! That's right, IHER!!! I love her!! (They walk together and hug.) I love you, Lizzie.  
Lizzie: I love you too Gordo. (They kiss.)  
Kate: I just—I thought you guys were doing it, I didn't know you were in love!  
Ethan: Dude!  
Gordo: And hats off to Kate. Quite a competitor. (Pause) And might I say your breasts are still showing.  
Kate: God! (She turns and buttons up.)  
Ethan: All right! So that's it! It's over! Everybody knows!  
Lizzie: Well actually, Matt doesn't.  
Gordo: Yes, and we'd appreciate it if no one told him yet.  
(Ethan suddenly gets very angry.)  
Ending Credits  
  
[Scene: Matt's new apartment, he is showing his boss, Dr. Ledbetter his new place and new outlook on life.]  
Matt: A new place for a new Matt. I'm gonna have you and all the guys from work over once it's y'know, furnished.  
Dr. Ledbetter: I must say it's nice to see you back on your feet.  
Matt: Well I am that. And that whole rage thing is definitely behind me.  
Dr. Ledbetter: I wonder if its time for you to rejoin our team at the museum?  
Matt: Oh Donald that-that would be great. I am totally ready to come back to work. I—What? (He notices something through the window.) No! Wh What are you doing?!! (Dr. Ledbetter is slowly backing away.) GET OFF MY SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
  


******************************  



	3. Good Lizzie Hunting

New images begin to appear…

New images begin to appear Images from the movie "Good Will Hunting" but instead of the title character played by Matt Damon, we see young Lizzie McGuire.   
  
Soon we're at this place that is a monster indoor funpark. Lizzie, Miranda, Matt,  
and Tudgeman are in adjoining batting cages. Lizzie has disabled the pitching machine in his and pitches to Miranda. The gang  
have been drinking. Lizzie throws one to Miranda, high and tight.  
Several empty beer cans sit by the cage.  
  
MIRANDA  
Lizzie!  
  
Another pitch, inside.  
  
MIRANDA (cont'd)  
You're gonna get charged!  
  
LIZZIE  
You think I'm afraid of you, you fuckin' bitch? You're crowdin' the plate.  
  
Lizzie guns another one, way inside.  
  
MIRANDA  
Stop brushin' me back!  
  
LIZZIE  
Stop crowdin the plate!  
  
Miranda laughs and steps back.  
  
MIRANDA  
Casey's bouncin' at a bar up Harvard.  
We should go there sometime.  
  
LIZZIE  
What are we gonna do up there?  
  
MIRANDA  
I don't know, we'll fuck up some smart kids.  
(stepping back in)  
You'd prob'ly fit right in.  
  
LIZZIE  
Fuck you.  
  
Lizzie fires a pitch at Miranda's head. Miranda dives to avoid being hit. She gets up and whips her batting helmet at Lizzie. They start to mock rumble.  
  
*********************  
  
Next scene fades into  
A crowded Harvard Bar. Lizzie and our gang walk by a line of  
several Harvard students, waiting to be carded.  
  
MATT  
What happened?  
(beat)  
You got fired, huh?  
  
LIZZIE  
Yeah, Matt. I got fired.  
  
MATT  
(starts laughing)  
How fuckin' retarded do you have to be  
to get shit-canned from that job? How  
hard is it to push a fuckin' broom?  
  
MIRANDA  
You got fired from pushing a broom,  
you little bitch.  
  
MATT  
Yah, that was different. Management  
was restructurin'--  
  
TUDGEMAN  
--Yah, restructurin' the amount of  
retards they had workin' for them.  
  
MATT  
Fuck you, you fat fuck.  
  
TUDGEMAN  
Least I work for a livin'.  
(to Lizzie)  
Why'd you get fired?  
  
LIZZIE  
Management was restructurin'.  
  
_Laughter._  
  
MIRANDA  
My uncle can probably get you on my  
demo team.  
  
MATT  
What the fuck? I just asked you for a   
job yesterday!  
  
MIRANDA  
I told you "no" yesterday!  
  
After two students flash their ID's to the doorman (CASEY)  
our gang file past him.  
  
ALL  
(one after another)  
What's up Case.  
  
With an imperceptible nod, Casey waves our gang through. A  
fifth kid, a HARVARD STUDENT, tries to follow. He is stopped  
by Casey's massive, outstretched arm:  
  
CASEY  
ID?  
  
INSIDE THE BAR...  
  
Miranda is collecting money from the guys to buy a pitcher,  
all but Matt cough up some crumpled dollars.  
  
MIRANDA  
So, this is a Harvard bar, huh? I  
thought there'd be equations and shit  
on the wall.  
  
MOMENTS LATER  
  
Miranda returns to a table where Lizzie, Matt and Tudgeman have  
made themselves comfortable. She [Miranda] spots two ATTRACTIVE YOUNG HARVARD MEN sitting together at the end of the bar. Miranda  
struts her way toward the men and pulls up a chair. She  
flashes a smile and tries to submerge her thick Boston accent.  
  
MIRANDA  
Hey, how's it goin'?  
  
ETHAN  
Fine.  
  
GORDO  
Okay.  
  
MIRANDA  
So, you gents ah, go to school here?  
  
ETHAN  
Yes.  
  
MIRANDA  
Yeah, cause I think I had a class with  
you.  
  
At this point, several interested parties materialize. Matt,  
Tudgeman and Lizzie try, as inconspicuously as possible, to situate  
themselves within listening distance. A rather blond student  
in a HARVARD TENNIS sweatshirt, KATE (22) notices Miranda.  
She [Kate] walks over to Gordo and Ethan, nobly hovering over them as  
protector. This gets Lizzie, Matt, and Tudgeman's attention.  
  
GORDO  
What class?  
  
MIRANDA  
Ah, history I think.  
  
GORDO  
Oh...  
  
MIRANDA  
Yah, it's not a bad school...  
  
At this point, Kate can't resist and steps in.  
  
KATE  
What class did you say that was?  
  
MIRANDA  
History.  
  
KATE  
How'd you like that course?  
  
MIRANDA  
Good, it was all right.  
  
KATE  
History? Just "history?" It must  
have been a survey course then.  
  
Miranda nods. Kate notices Miranda's clothes. Lizzie and Tudgeman  
exchange a look and move subtly closer.  
  
KATE (cont'd)  
Pretty broad. "History of the World?"  
  
MIRANDA  
Hey, come on, we're in classes all  
day. That's one thing about Harvard never  
seizes to amaze me, everybody's talkin'  
about school all the time.  
  
KATE  
Hey, I'm the last girl to want to talk  
about school at the bar. But as long  
as you're here I want to "seize" the  
opportunity to ask you a question.  
  
Tudgeman shifts his beer into his left hand. Lizzie and Matt see   
this. Matt rolls his eyes as if to say "not again..."  
  
KATE (cont'd)  
Oh, I'm sure you covered it in your  
history class.  
  
Kate looks to see if the guys are impressed. They are not.  
When Kate looks back to Miranda, Gordo turns to Ethan and  
rolls his [own] eyes. They laugh. Lizzie sees this and smiles.  
  
MIRANDA  
To tell you the truth, I wasn't there  
much. The class was rather elementary.  
  
KATE  
Elementary? Oh, I don't doubt that it  
was. I remember the class, it was  
just between recess and lunch.  
  
Lizzie and Tudgeman come forward, stand behind Miranda.  
  
MIRANDA  
All right, are we gonna have a problem?  
  
KATE  
There's no problem. I was just hoping  
you could give me some insight into  
the evolution of the market economy in  
the early colonies. My contention is  
that prior to the Revolutionary War  
the economic modalities especially of  
the southern colonies could most aptly  
be characterized as agrarian pre-  
capitalist and...  
  
Lizzie, who at this point has migrated to Miranda's side and is  
completely fed-up, includes herself in the conversation.  
  
LIZZIE  
Of course that's your contention.  
You're a first year grad student.  
You just finished some Marxian  
historian, Pete Garrison prob'ly, and  
so naturally that's what you believe  
until next month when you get to James  
Lemon and get convinced that Virginia  
and Pennsylvania were strongly  
entrepreneurial and capitalist back in  
1740. That'll last until sometime in  
your second year, then you'll be in  
here regurgitating Gordon Wood about  
the Pre-revolutionary utopia and the  
capital-forming effects of military  
mobilization.  
  
KATE  
(taken aback)  
Well, as a matter of fact, I won't,  
because Wood drastically underestimates  
the impact of--  
  
LIZZIE  
--"Wood drastically underestimates the  
impact of social distinctions predicated  
upon wealth, especially inheriated  
wealth..." You got that from "Work in  
Essex County," Page 421, right? Do  
you have any thoughts of your own on  
the subject or were you just gonna  
plagerize the whole book for me?  
  
Kate is stunned.  
  
LIZZIE(cont'd)  
Look, don't try to pass yourself off  
as some kind of an intellect at the  
expense of my friend just to impress  
these guys.  
  
Kate is lost now, searching for a graceful exit, any exit.  
  
LIZZIE (cont'd)  
The sad thing is, in about 50 years  
you might start doin' some thinkin' on  
your own and by then you'll realize  
there are only two certainties in life.  
  
KATE  
Yeah? What're those?  
  
LIZZIE  
One, don't do that. Two-- you dropped  
a hundred and fifty grand on an  
education you coulda' picked up for a  
dollar fifty in late charges at the  
Public Library.  
  
Lizzie catches Gordo's eye.  
  
KATE  
But I'll at least have a degree, and you'll  
be serving my kids fries at a drive  
through on our way to a skiing trip.  
  
LIZZIE  
(smiles)  
Maybe. But at least I won't be unoriginal.  
(beat)  
And if you got a problem with that, I  
guess we can step outside and deal  
with it that way.  
  
While Lizzie is substantially smaller than Kate, she [Kate] decides not  
to take Lizzie up on her [Lizzie's] offer.  
  
LIZZIE (cont'd)  
If you change your mind, I'll be  
over by the bar.  
  
She turns and walks away. Miranda follows, throwing Kate a  
look. Matt turns to the guys.  
  
MATT  
My sis's wicked smart.  
  
AT THE BAR --LATER  
  
Lizzie sits with Matt at the bar watching with some amusement  
as Miranda and Tudgeman play bar basketball game where the players  
shoot miniature balls at a small basket. In the B.G.  
Occasionally we hear Miranda shouting "Larry!" When she scores.  
Gordo emerges from the crowd and approaches Lizzie.  
  
GORDO  
You suck.  
  
LIZZIE  
What?  
  
GORDO  
I've been sitting over there for forty-  
five minutes waiting for you to come   
talk to me. But I'm just tired now  
and I have to go home and I wasn't  
going to keep sitting there waiting  
for you.  
  
LIZZIE  
I'm Lizzie.  
  
GORDO  
Gordo. And by the way.  
That chick over there is a real bitch and  
I just wanted you to know she didn't  
come with us.  
  
LIZZIE  
I kind of got that impression.  
  
GORDO  
Well, look, I have to go. Gotta' get  
up early and waste some more money on  
my overpriced education.  
  
LIZZIE  
I didn't mean you. Listen, maybe...  
  
GORDO  
Here's my number.  
  
Gordo produces a folded piece of paper and offers it to Lizzie.  
  
GORDO (cont'd)  
Maybe we could go out for coffee  
sometime?  
  
LIZZIE  
Great, or maybe we could go somewhere  
and just eat a bunch of caramels.  
  
GORDO  
What?  
  
LIZZIE  
When you think about it, it's just as  
arbitrary as drinking coffee.  
  
GORDO  
(laughs)  
Okay, sounds good.  
  
LATER  
  
Our gang are walking out of the bar teasing one another about  
their bar-ball exploits. Across the street is another bar  
with a glass front. Matt spots Kate sitting by the window  
with some friends.  
  
MATT  
There goes that fuckin' Barbie bitch right  
now, with her fuckin' "skiin' trip."  
We should'a kicked that bitch's ass.  
  
LIZZIE  
Hold up.  
  
Lizzie crosses the street and approaches the plate glass window  
and stands across from Kate, separated only by the glass. She  
POUNDS THE GLASS to get Kate's attention.  
  
LIZZIE (cont'd)  
Hey!  
  
Kate turns toward Lizzie.  
  
LIZZIE (cont'd)  
DO YOU LIKE APPLES?  
  
Kate doesn't get it.  
  
LIZZIE (cont'd)  
DO YOU LIKE APPLES?!  
  
KATE  
Yeah?  
  
Lizzie SLAMS GORDO'S PHONE NUMBER against the glass.  
  
LIZZIE  
WELL I GOT HIS NUMBER! HOW DO YA LIKE  
THEM APPLES?!!  
  
Lizzie's gang erupt into laughter. Angle on Kate, deflated.  
  
*******************  



	4. Chasing Lizzie

Scene quickly changes again.

Scene quickly changes again. Now it is a familiar setting from the Kevin Smith film "Chasing Amy." Instead of seeing Ben Affleck (Holden) we see Gordo. Instead of Jason Lee (Banky) we have Ethan. Joey Lauren Adams is instead our Lizzie McGuire.  


  
We're in Gordo and Ethan's studio/apartment. It's a  
rented loft-style place with high ceilings, wood floors  
and sparse furnishings. There are posters on the walls,  
a sort of kitchenette, a hockey net, a big TV. (with all  
the trimmings - VCR, Laserdisc player, Sega, SNES), a  
huge comfy couch, and two drawing boards with adjacent  
desks (littered with pencils, pens, coloring pencils,  
paints, erasers, etc.) - at which sit Gordo and Ethan.  
They're working. Some music plays.  
  
C.U. OF GORDO PENCILING - over his shoulder, we see  
Gordo sketching Chronic in mid-attack of his arch-  
nemesis - the Giggler. Gordo erases a line and re-  
draws.  
  
C.U. OF ETHAN INKING - over his shoulder, we see Ethan  
outlining a pre-penciled page. He traces Bluntman  
swinging from a street light.  
  
The two work in silence. Then...  
  
ETHAN  
(not looking up)  
This is one of the best street lights  
you've ever drawn.  
  
GORDO  
It's the one across from the post  
office.  
  
ETHAN  
Looks just like it.  
  
GORDO  
Thanks.  
(beat)  
What do you wanna do tonight?  
  
ETHAN  
Get a pizza. Watch Degrassi Junior  
High'.  
  
GORDO  
(erases)  
You got a weird thing for Canadian  
melodrama.  
  
ETHAN  
I've got a weird thing for girls who  
say aboot'.  
  
The phone starts ringing. Gordo answers it, while still  
drawing.  
  
GORDO  
Gordo speakin'  
  
CROSSCUT between Gordo and Matt. He's on a phone in a  
CLUB.  
  
MATT  
Matt here. Listen, I know how you  
burb-fiends hate the city, but there's  
a club shindig going down that I think  
you'd get into.  
  
GORDO  
Where is it?  
  
MATT  
Place called Meow Mix - I'm  
tempting as bar-keep.  
  
GORDO  
I don't know, Matt. We're prepping  
the next issue, and we've got our big  
MTV meeting in the morning.  
  
MATT  
I told her you wouldn't be interested.  
  
GORDO  
Told who?  
  
MATT  
Lizzie.  
  
GORDO  
Lizzie from last night Lizzie?  
  
MATT  
How do you begin and end a question  
with the same word like that? You got  
skill. Yes, that one. She asked me  
to invite you. Now here's the part  
where you say...  
  
GORDO  
I'll be there.  
  
MATT  
Thought so. Ten o'clock. Later.  
(both hang up)  
  
ETHAN  
Who was that?  
  
GORDO  
Matt. He invited me to a club.  
  
ETHAN  
When's that faggot going to learn -  
you like chicks.  
  
GORDO  
(getting up)  
Not that kind of a club.  
  
ETHAN  
So when we leaving?  
  
GORDO  
We'? You can't go. He's setting me  
up with Lizzie.  
  
ETHAN  
And?  
  
GORDO  
And I don't want you messing it up.  
  
ETHAN  
Like I care about your shit. Maybe  
I'll hook up myself.  
  
GORDO  
(pulling on coat)  
I just told you - it's not that kind  
of club.  
  
ETHAN  
How does one man get to be so funny!  
  
GORDO  
(throws him his coat)  
How are you going to get home if I  
hook up!  
  
ETHAN  
Like that'll happen.  
  
GORDO  
Let me explain something to you, my  
witless chum the other night in that  
bar, we two - Lizzie and I shared a  
moment, alright!  
  
ETHAN  
Oh, you had a moment!  
  
GORDO  
(brings his two pointer  
fingers together)  
We shared a moment. And in that  
moment, one thing was made abundantly  
clear: this girl loves me, my friend.  
Loves-me.  
  
THE NEXT DAY  
  
There is a door. There's a knock at the door. Gordo  
opens it and Lizzie is standing there.  
  
LIZZIE  
Somebody told me that they make comic  
books here, and I've got an idea for  
this story about a guy who comes to a  
club and high-tails it when he finds  
out this girl is pay. Any interest in  
a story like that!  
  
Gordo smiles.  
  
  
FOLLOWING DAY--AIRPORT   
  
Gordo enters. Ethan tries to balance way-too-much  
luggage.  
  
GORDO  
Look at you. It's a two day trip.  
  
ETHAN  
I got the Sega in one bag, my clothes  
in the other, and two months worth of  
unread porn in this one.  
  
GORDO  
We're going to a convention, for the  
love of God. We'll be busy from ten  
till eight each day.  
When are you possibly going to have  
time for any of that shit? In fact,  
fuck it - you're leaving some of this  
shit here in a locker. Come on - give  
me the two that aren't clothes.  
  
ETHAN  
Hold on.  
(starts rifling through one  
bag)  
  
GORDO  
What are you doing?  
  
ETHAN  
I just have to get something.  
(pulls out a huge stack of  
porno books)  
  
GORDO  
Who are you, Larry fucking Flynt?  
What are you going to do with all of  
those?  
  
ETHAN  
Read the articles. What do you think  
I'm going to do with them? They're  
stroke books.  
  
GORDO  
You've got like thirty books there!  
We're only there for two days!  
  
ETHAN  
(leafing through mags)  
Variety's the spice of life. I like a  
wide selection. Sometimes I'm in the  
mood for nasty close-ups, sometimes I  
like them arty and air-brushed. Some  
times it's a spread brown-eye kind of  
night, sometimes it's girl-on-girl  
time. Sometimes a steamy letter will  
do it, sometimes - not often, but  
sometimes - I like the idea of a chick  
with a horse.  
  
A beeping sound is heard. Gordo checks his beeper.  
  
GORDO  
Go check us in. I've gotta call  
Lizzie.  
  
ETHAN  
His master's voice.  
  
GORDO  
Put that stuff away.  
  
Gordo exits. Ethan starts packing his mags up. A  
little KID enters, staring at him.  
  
ETHAN  
Hello.  
  
Gordo finishes dialing the phone. Cross cut between him  
and Lizzie at home.  
  
LIZZIE  
I hope for the sake of the women  
you've dated that you're only this  
quick in returning calls.  
  
GORDO  
What's up? I'm about to get on a  
plane.  
  
LIZZIE  
Ohhh. Why!  
  
GORDO  
Last minute invite to the Dragon Con'.  
  
LIZZIE  
Shit.  
  
GORDO  
What?  
  
LIZZIE  
My sister's at my parents'. I was  
gonna go see her.  
  
GORDO  
The one that wrote the book?  
  
LIZZIE  
Yeah. But I was staying all weekend,  
and I wanted to hang our with you.  
This sucks.  
  
GORDO  
You didn't get invited to the Con'?  
  
LIZZIE  
I don't do southern con's - all the  
chicks have that annoying drawl. You  
know how hard it is nor to laugh when  
someone moans "Fuhhk me"?  
  
GORDO  
Well this sucks.  
(thinks)  
You know - both of us don't have to  
go.  
  
LIZZIE  
Really?  
  
GORDO  
Yeah. Ethan can go by himself. It's  
not like we're on a panel. It was  
just a signing appearance.  
  
LIZZIE  
If you come pick me up, I'll be your  
best friend.  
  
They hang up. Gordo reacts to something OC and exits  
quickly.  
  
Ethan points to pictures in the book. The kid looks  
on.  
  
ETHAN  
...And then Black Beauty couldn't take  
it any longer, and he finally did some  
of his own mounting.  
  
Gordo grabs Ethan's arm and drags him away.  
  
GORDO  
What are you doing?  
  
ETHAN  
(waving to kid)  
I think I want kids of my own one day.  
They're fun.  
  
GORDO  
Listen to me - I'm not going. You're  
going to have to do this one by  
yourself.  
  
ETHAN  
What? Why?  
  
GORDO  
Lizzie's coming down for the weekend,  
so I want to hang out with her. You  
don't need me for this.  
(taking his excess baggage)  
Meantime, I'll take this stuff home.  
You can keep the filth. I'll pick you  
up at nine Sunday night, alright?  
Don't forget to plug the Annual and  
don't mention the t.v. show, okay?  
Call me if you get bored.  
  
And he's gone. Ethan stands there, open-mouthed.   
  
HANGING OUT MONTAGE BEGINS  
  
With the requisite music, over which we hear a  
conversation between Gordo and Lizzie.  
  
1) In the Studio, Gordo displays some of his artwork to  
Lizzie, during which she pulls out a cigarette and goes  
to light it. It's a child-proof lighter, so she's having  
trouble. Gordo grows a little frustrated. Finally, he  
grabs the lighter and pulls the child proof tab out with  
his teeth. Lizzie stares at him a bit taken aback.  
Gordo spits the tab out, and lights Lizzie's smoke. He  
then continues with his display.  
  
  
2) Gordo and Lizzie walk through a PARKING LOT, talking.  
She takes his hand and pulls his arm around her shoulder.  
Gordo smiles to himself.  
  
  
It's drizzling outside. Gordo drives. Lizzie hugs her painting and pushes her bare feet against the windshield, making footprints.  
  
GORDO  
I've always wondered what kind of  
people buy those things. I can't  
believe you talked him down to twenty  
five!  
  
LIZZIE  
It was looking shakey when he told me  
the artist was a blind cripple with a  
hump-back, but I held my ground.  
There's no room for sympathy in the  
buyer's market.  
  
GORDO  
Where are you going to hang it?  
  
LIZZIE  
I'm not. You are.  
  
GORDO  
You want me to hang it for you? You  
better hope it doesn't get out to the  
girl-nation that you needed a man to  
help you hang a picture.  
  
LIZZIE  
You're going to hang it in your house.  
I bought it for you.  
  
GORDO  
(laughs)  
Yeah, right.  
  
LIZZIE  
(looks at him)  
I'm serious.  
  
Gordo stares at her.  
  
GORDO  
Why?  
  
LIZZIE  
Because it's captured the moment.  
It'll be a constant reminder - not  
just of tonight, but of our  
introduction, the building of our  
friendship, everything. Make no  
mistake about it my Friend - it's a  
gift to you, from me, so you'll always  
remember us.  
  
Gordo stares ahead. Then he swerves the wheel to the  
right.  
  
EXT ROADSIDE - NIGHT  
  
The car pulls to the side of the road. The rain is a bit  
heavier now.  
  
INT CAR - NIGHT  
  
Gordo throws the car into park  
  
LIZZIE  
Why are we stopping?  
  
GORDO  
Because I can't take it.  
  
LIZZIE  
Can't take what?  
  
GORDO  
I love you.  
  
LIZZIE  
(beat)  
You love me.  
  
GORDO  
I love you. And not in a friendly  
way, although I think we're great  
friends. And not in a misplaced  
affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm  
sure that's what you'll call it. And  
it's not because you're unattainable.  
I love you. Very simple, very truly.  
You're the epitome of every attribute  
and quality I've ever looked for in  
another person. I know you think of  
me as just a friend and crossing that  
line is the furthest thing from an  
option you'd ever consider. But I  
can't do this any longer. I can't  
stand next to you without wanting to  
hold you. I can't look into your eyes  
without feeling that longing you only  
read about in trashy romance novels.  
I can't talk to you without wanting to  
express my love for everything you  
are. I know this will probably queer  
our friendship - no pun intended - but  
I had to say it, because I've never  
felt this before, and I like who I am  
because of it. And if bringing it to  
light means we can't hang out anymore,  
then that hurts me. But I couldn't  
allow another day to go by without  
getting it out there, regardless of  
the outcome, which by the look on your  
face is to be the inevitable shoot-  
down. And I'll accept that But I know  
some part of you is hesitating for a  
moment, and if there is a moment of  
hesitation, that means you feel  
something too. All I ask is that you  
not suppress that - at least for ten  
minutes - and try to dwell in it  
before you dismiss it.  
There isn't another soul on this  
fucking planet who's ever made me the  
person I am when I'm with you, and I  
would risk this friendship for the  
chance to take it to the next plateau.  
Because it's there between you and me.  
You can't deny that. And even if we  
never speak again after tonight,  
please know that I'm forever changed  
because of you and what you've meant  
to me, which - while I do appreciate  
it - I'd never need a painting of  
birds bought at a diner to remind me  
of.  
  
Gordo stares at Lizzie. She stares back. Then she gets  
out of the car.  
  
GORDO  
Was it something I said?  
  
EXT ROADSIDE - NIGHT  
  
Gordo gets out of the car. It's raining pretty hard  
now. Lizzie's hitching up the road. Gordo reaches her.  
  
GORDO  
What are you doing?  
  
LIZZIE  
Get back in the car and get out of  
here.  
  
GORDO  
You're going to hitch to New York?  
  
LIZZIE  
Y'ep.  
  
GORDO  
Aren't you at least going to comment?  
  
LIZZIE  
Here's my comment fuck you.  
  
GORDO  
Why?  
  
LIZZIE  
That was so unfair. You know how  
unfair that was.  
  
GORDO  
It's unfair that I'm in love with you?  
  
LIZZIE  
No, it's unfortunate that you're in  
love with me. It's unfair that you  
felt the fucking need to unburden your  
soul about it. Do you remember for a  
fucking second who I am?  
  
GORDO  
So? People change.  
  
LIZZIE  
Oh, it's that simple? You fall in  
love with me and want a romantic  
relationship, nothing changes for you  
with the exception of feeling hunky-  
dorey all the time. But what about-  
me? It's not that simple, is it? I  
can't just get into a relationship  
with you without throwing my whole  
fucking world into upheaval!  
  
GORDO  
But that's every relationship!  
There's always going to be a period of  
adjustment.  
  
LIZZIE  
Period of adjustment?!?  
(hitting him)  
THERE'S NO PERIOD OF ADJUSTMENT'  
GORDO! I'M FUCKING GAY! THAT'S WHO  
I AM! AND YOU ASSUME I CAN TURN THAT  
AROUND JUST BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT A  
CRUSH?!?  
  
GORDO  
If this is a crush... then I don't  
know if I could take the real thing if  
it ever happens.  
  
She looks at him, rain drenching the pair. She shakes  
her head ruefully.  
  
LIZZIE  
Go home, Gordo.  
  
She walks away. Gordo stands there, at a loss. Then he  
turns and heads back to his car.  
As he reaches the door and turns to look back at her,  
Lizzie pounces on him, grabs his face and locks lips with  
him, big time. He drops his keys and embraces her.  
  
And there they stand, by the side of the road, drenched  
kissing.  
  
SCENE QUICKLY CHANGES WEEKS AND DAYS INTO THEIR RELATIONSHIP  
  
INT RINK LOBBY / EXT PARKING LOT - NIGHT  
  
Lizzie marches quickly, pulling on her coat. Gordo  
catches up to her. We track with them our into the  
parking lot.  
  
GORDO  
So it's true?!  
  
LIZZIE  
Yes Gordo! In fact, everything you  
heard or dug up on me was probably  
true! Yeah, I took on two guys at  
once! You want to hear some gems you  
might not have unearthed - I took a  
twenty six year old guy to my senior  
prom, and then left halfway through to  
have sex with him and Kate Turner in  
the back of a limo! And the girl who  
got caught in the shower with Miss  
Moffit, the gym teacher? That was me!  
Or how about in college, when I let  
Shannon Hamilton videotape us having  
sex - only to find out the next day  
that he broadcast it on the campus  
cable station?! They're all true -  
those and so many more! Didn't you  
know? I'm the queen of urban legend!  
  
GORDO  
How the hell could you do those  
things?!  
  
LIZZIE  
Easily! Some of it I did out of  
stupidity, some of it I did out of  
what I thought was love, but - good or  
bad - they were my choices, and I'm  
not making apologies for them now -  
not to you or anyone! And how dare  
you try to lay a guilt trip on me  
about it - in public, no less! Who  
the fuck do you think you are, you  
judgemental prick?!  
  
GORDO  
How am I supposed to feel about all of  
this?  
  
LIZZIE  
How are you supposed to feel about it?  
Feel what ever the fuck you want about  
it! The only thing that really  
matters is how you feel about me.  
  
GORDO  
I don't know how I feel about you now.  
  
LIZZIE  
Why? Because I had some sex?  
  
GORDO  
Some sex?  
  
LIZZIE  
Yes, Gordo - that's all it was: some  
sex! Most of it stupid high school  
sex, for Christ's sake! Like you  
never had sex in high school!  
  
GORDO  
There's a world of fucking difference  
between typical high school sex and  
two guys at once! They fucking used  
you?  
  
LIZZIE  
I used them! You don't think I  
would've let it happen if I hadn't  
wanted it to, do you?! I was an  
experimental girl, for Christ's sake!  
Maybe you knew early on that your  
track was from point a' to b' - but  
unlike you I wasn't given a fucking  
map at birth, so I tried it all! That  
is until we - that's you and I - got  
together, and suddenly, I was sated.  
Can't you take some fucking comfort in  
that? You turned out to be all I was  
ever looking for - the missing piece  
in the big fucking puzzle!  
(tries to calm down)  
Look I'm sorry I let you believe that  
you were the only guy I'd ever been  
with. I should've been more honest.  
But it seemed to make you feel special  
in a way that me telling you over and  
over again how incredible you are  
would never get across.  
  
She touches his face. He pulls back. She stares at him,  
hurt and pissed.  
  
LIZZIE  
Do you mean to tell me that - while  
you have zero problem with me sleeping  
with half the women in New York City -  
you have some sort of half-assed,  
mealy-mouthed objection to pubescent  
antics, that took place almost ten  
years ago? What the fuck is your  
problem?!?  
  
Gordo's eyes are downcast. Lizzie waits for a response.  
  
GORDO  
I want us to be something that we  
can't.  
  
LIZZIE  
And what's that?  
  
GORDO  
(beat)  
A normal couple.  
  
Gordo skulks off. Lizzie stares after him, and then  
starts kicking and punching a car beside her, finally  
slumping to the ground. She cries.  
  
WHAT FEELS LIKE DAYS LATER  
  
INT STUDIO - NIGHT  
  
Ethan and Lizzie sit on the couch. Gordo paces in front  
of them.  
  
GORDO  
I know you're wondering why I asked  
you both here tonight, at the same  
time, knowing that we have shit to  
settle between us, separately.  
  
ETHAN  
I just figured you wanted to kill two  
birds with one stone by telling her to  
fuck off with me here so you didn't  
have to go through the story again  
later on.  
  
LIZZIE  
Fuck you.  
  
ETHAN  
Not even if you let me videotape it.  
  
GORDO  
Enough!  
(they both look at him)  
I've been going through things, over  
and over. And I dissected it all, and  
looked at it a thousand different  
ways. Ethan - there's friction  
between us for the first time in our  
lives. You hate me dating Lizzie and  
you want me to sign off on this MTV  
thing.  
  
ETHAN  
How perceptive.  
  
GORDO  
Lizzie - you and I hit a wall, because  
I don't know how to deal with... your  
past, I guess.  
  
ETHAN  
That's a nice way of putting it. I'd  
have said the whole double-stuff  
thing...  
  
GORDO  
(right in his face)  
I'm only going to say it once: shut  
up.  
(back to pacing)  
Now - I know I'm to blame one way or  
the other on both accounts. With you,  
Lizzie - it's my fault because I feel  
inadequate. Because you've had so  
much experience, had such a big life;  
and my life's been pretty small in  
comparison.  
  
LIZZIE  
That doesn't matter to me...  
  
GORDO  
Please. I have to get through this.  
(beat)  
And with you Ethan - I know why you're  
having such a hard time with Lizzie,  
and it's something that's been obvious  
forever, but I guess I just didn't  
acknowledge it.  
(takes a deep breath)  
You're in love with me.  
  
ETHAN  
(makes a face; beat)  
What?  
  
GORDO  
You're attracted to me. Just as, in a  
way, I'm attracted to you. I mean, it  
makes sense - we've been together so  
long, we have so much in common...  
  
ETHAN  
(getting up)  
Well, I've got to get home and catch  
the last few minutes of Little House',  
so I'll be...  
  
Gordo grabs him, kisses him full on the lips, and pushes  
him back onto the couch Lizzie reacts. Ethan - wide-eyed  
and speechless - looks away.  
  
GORDO  
It's something you're going to have to  
deal with. Ethan. It would explain your homophobia  
and why you're so jealous of Lizzie,  
and your sense of humor  
  
ETHAN  
Just cause a guy's got a predilection  
dick jokes...  
  
GORDO  
Ethan. Stop. Deal with it. You'll  
feel much better.  
  
He grabs a chair from the side of the room.  
  
GORDO  
Now - at this point, you may be asking  
yourself the question that I've been  
going over and over in my head for the  
last few days: what does one have to  
do with the other?  
  
Lizzie's face drops. She subtly shakes her head.  
  
LIZZIE  
(under her breath)  
Don't.  
  
GORDO  
And when I did some serious soul-  
searching, it came at me from out of  
nowhere, and suddenly it all made  
sense - a calm came over me. I know  
what we have to do. And then you -  
Ethan, you Lizzie, and I - all of us...  
can finally be... alright.  
  
LIZZIE  
(again, under her breath)  
Please don't say it.  
  
GORDO  
(sits in the chair; takes a  
long beat)  
We've all got to have sex together.  
  
The room is silent. Ethan's eyes nearly bug. Lizzie's head drops.  
  
GORDO  
Don't you see? That would take care  
of everything. Lizzie - I wouldn't  
feel inadequate or too conservative  
anymore. I'll have done something on  
par with all the experience you've  
had. And it'll be with you, which'll  
make it that much more powerful. And  
Ethan - you can take that leap that  
everyone else but you sees that you  
should take. And it'll be okay,  
because it'll be with me - your best  
friend for years. We've been  
everything to each other but  
intimate. And now, we'll have been  
through that together too. And it  
won't have to be a total leap for you,  
because a woman will be involved. And  
when it's over, all that aggression  
you feel toward Lizzie will be gone.  
Because you'll have shared in  
something beautiful with the woman I  
love. It'll be cathartic. A true  
communion. We have to do this. For  
me, for both of you... for all of our  
sakes. This will keep us together.  
(beat)  
What do you say?  
  
Ethan stares forward, wide-eyed. He leans back into the  
couch and lets out a huge sigh. Then shrugs.  
  
ETHAN  
Sure.  
  
Gordo smiles at his friend. Then he looks at Lizzie.  
  
GORDO  
You know I need this. You know it'll  
help.  
  
Lizzie looks at him, sadly.  
  
LIZZIE  
No.  
  
Gordo reacts, shocked Ethan lets out a sigh of relief.  
  
GORDO  
No? I... I thought you'd be into  
this.  
  
LIZZIE  
You did? What does that say about me?  
  
GORDO  
But you've... you've done... stuff...  
like this. This should be no big deal  
for you.  
  
LIZZIE  
You don't want this.  
You really don't want this. Trust me.  
  
GORDO  
I need this. This has to happen. Why  
can't you see that? And how can you  
not? What does that say about me?  
You can take it from two guys whose  
names you can barely remember, but I  
ask you to share an experience like it  
- where it's about intimacy - and you  
say no?  
  
LIZZIE  
(inhales from her cigarette, takes a beat)  
I can't.  
  
Gordo moves to her side of the couch.  
  
GORDO  
You can. I'll be there. And when  
it's over, we'll be the strongest  
we've ever been because we got through  
some nasty shit together. And we'll  
finally be on the same level together.  
And then there'll be nothing we can't  
accomplish.  
  
A tear rolls down her cheek She looks at him, sadly, and  
touches his face.  
  
LIZZIE  
Oh Gordo.  
(trying to compose herself)  
That time is over for me. I've been  
there. I've done it. And I didn't  
find what I was looking for in any of  
it. I found that in you - in us.  
Doing this won't help you forget about  
the things you're hung up on. It'll  
create more.  
  
GORDO  
No it won't. I thought about all of  
that.  
  
LIZZIE  
No, it will. Maybe you'll see me  
differently from then on - maybe  
you'll despise me for going along with  
it, once you're in the moment. Maybe  
I'll moan differently and then you'll  
resent Ethan, and become suspicious of  
us. Or you'll alienate him because of  
it, and then grow to blame and hate me  
for the deterioration of your  
friendship. Or what if- I sincerely  
doubt it, but what if - I saw  
something in Ethan that I never saw  
before, and fell in love with him and  
left you. I've been down roads like  
this before; many times. I know you  
feel doing this will broaden your  
horizons and give you experience. But  
I've had those experiences on my own.  
I can't accompany you on your's. I'm  
past that now.  
(touches his face; stares to  
cry)  
Or maybe I just love you too much.  
And I feel hurt and let down that  
you'd want to share me with anyone.  
Because I never wanted to share you  
(holds it in; gets up)  
Regardless I can't be a part of this.  
(beat)  
Or you. Not anymore  
(hugs him)  
I love you. I always will. Know  
that.  
  
She releases him, then slaps him.  
  
LIZZIE  
But I'm not your fucking whore.  
  
Lizzie storms away, stopping briefly to look Ethan up and  
down.  
  
LIZZIE  
He's your's again.  
  
She walks our of the studio. The door closes behind her.  
  
Ethan and Gordo stand there, silently. Cut to black.  
  
INT COMIC BOOK SHOW - DAY  
  
It's ONE YEAR later. We're at another show, not unlike  
the one from the opening.  
  
A copy of Bluntman and Chronic' enters the frame. The  
cover reads The Death Chronic', complete with a  
corresponding drawing.  
  
ETHAN V.O.  
Blast from the past.  
  
Ethan sits at his own signing table. Behind him hangs a  
banner that reads ETHAN EDWARDS - CREATOR Of BABY DAVE'.  
A small line is formed in front of him. He talks with a  
FAN.  
  
FAN  
Do you know how much it's going for  
these days? One ten. You signing it  
will push that up even higher,  
  
ETHAN  
If you sell it, I want a kickback  
(starts signing)  
  
FAN  
I don't know if this is true, but I  
heard once that there was going to be  
an animated series.  
  
ETHAN  
There was going to be  
  
FAN  
What happened!  
  
ETHAN  
(off comic)  
You're looking at it. No Chronic - no  
cartoon  
  
FAN  
That sucks man. That would've been  
awesome.  
  
ETHAN  
Tell me about it  
  
FAN  
Is that what happened to you and  
Gordon McNeil? You got into a fight  
over the rights or something?  
  
ETHAN  
It was a little more involved than  
that.  
  
FAN  
Whatever happened to him?  
  
ETHAN  
He quit the biz. I guess.  
  
FAN  
You guys don't talk anymore?  
  
ETHAN  
(looks OC)  
No. Not really.  
  
Ethan locks eyes with someone OC. His expression  
softens.  
  
Gordo leans against a wall on the far side of the room.  
He smiles at Ethan. Ethan smiles back, and sort of nods.  
  
Gordo holds up a copy of Ethan's new solo comic. He  
points to it and gives a thumbs up.  
  
OC FAN  
Probably shouldn't have killed off  
Chronic.  
  
Ethan smiles to OC.  
  
ETHAN  
Guess not. Some doors just shouldn't  
be opened.  
  
Ethan looks in another direction, OC. He looks at Gordo  
and points to it. Gordo looks in the same direction,  
and then looks back at Ethan and nods.  
  
OC FAN  
You don't need that guy, anyway. You  
do great stuff without him.  
  
Ethan looks at Gordo for a beat. Then he brings his  
pointer fingers together, mimicing Gordo's shared  
moment' gesture.  
  
Gordo shrugs slightly, then crosses his fingers - as if  
to say hopefully'.  
  
OC FAN  
You were just carrying that guy,  
anyway.  
  
Ethan sort of smiles at the OC Gordo. Then he offers  
his own thumbs up - as to say good luck'.  
  
ETHAN  
(to fan, still looking OC)  
You're so right.  
  
Gordo smiles back, nods bye', and walks off.  
  
OC FAN  
Well, keep up the good work, man.  
Love them dick jokes. Love em. See  
ya.  
  
The Fan Leaves, but Ethan is watching Gordo go.  
  
BXVKY  
Yeah. Bye.  
(shakes it off)  
Okay. Who's next?  
  
Lizzie sits at a separate signing table, with a line in  
front of her. Miranda behind her. Lizzie dashes off  
signatures in the copies of her comic.  
  
LIZZIE  
(to OC departing fan)  
Thanks for reading it.  
  
Miranda stands and rubs her shoulders.  
  
MIRANDA  
I'm going to get a soda. You want  
anything?  
  
LIZZIE  
I'm fine, thanks,  
  
Miranda heads off. Lizzie starts rummaging through her  
bag.  
  
LIZZIE  
(not rooking up)  
Okay, who's next!  
  
A comic book drops on the table in front of her. It's a  
comic book called Chasing Amy'.  
  
She leafs through it, not looking up.  
  
LIZZIE  
Um... This isn't one of mine.  
  
OC GORDO  
It's mine.  
  
Lizzie looks up sharply.  
  
Gordo stands before her, smiling.  
  
GORDO  
I saved you one.  
  
LIZZIE  
Hi.  
  
GORDO  
Hi.  
  
LIZZIE  
(beat)  
How've you been?  
  
GORDO  
Good. Really good. Yourself?  
  
LIZZIE  
Good  
(beat; off her own comic)  
New issue's selling like crazy, for  
some reason.  
  
GORDO  
Because it's so good. I really liked  
it.  
  
LIZZIE  
Thank you.  
(off comic)  
I haven't even seen this yet. Did it  
just come out?  
  
GORDO  
A month ago. I did a really small  
run. Self-financed. Only about five  
hundred issues.  
  
LIZZIE  
Will I enjoy it?  
GORDO  
You might. It's familiar subject  
matter.  
  
Lizzie leafs through it. Her eyes get somewhat misty.  
  
LIZZIE  
Looks Like a very personal story.  
  
GORDO  
I finally had something personal to  
say.  
  
They look at each other for a beat  
  
GORDO  
I'm going to go. I don't want to hold  
up the line.  
  
LIZZIE  
Yeah. I mean, it can get ugly. I  
just saw this nun in line call this  
small child a cunt-rag.  
  
GORDO  
(smiles)  
Read that, when you have a minute  
  
LIZZIE  
I will.  
  
GORDO  
I'd like to hear your thoughts about  
it. If you get a chance, give me a  
call.  
  
LIZZIE  
Okay.  
  
They look at each other for a beat.  
  
GORDO  
Nice seeing you again,  
  
LIZZIE  
Really nice to see you too.  
  
He walks away. A few steps away, he turns and waves  
again. She waves back. And then he starts moving  
through the thrall of fan-boys.  
  
Miranda returns with coffee. She follows Lizzie's  
gaze.  
  
MIRANDA  
Who was that?  
  
LIZZIE  
Hmm! Oh. Just some guy I knew.  
  
She watches him go for another beat, then.  
  
LIZZIE  
(to line)  
Next  
(to Miranda)  
So what do you want to do tonight?  
  
And as they fall into conversation, the show goes on.  
  
********************  



	5. To Dream or Not to Dream

Untitled Normal Page

"Lizzie?"  
  
The real Gordo and Miranda glanced at each other, worried as heck about their friend. They watched helplessly while she drifted in and out of consciousness, murmuring weird conversations about finding out about a once secret relationship, about liking apples, and about falling in love with a lesbian.  
  
"Man, I swear that I will totally devote myself as her slave once she comes out of it." Gordo promised, extremely concerned towards Lizzie.  
  
"Oh, you better!" Miranda growled, yet her voice and expression softened. "I'm sorry, Gordo it's just that I'm really scared for her."  
  
"Snoogins!" Lizzie suddenly exclaimed, her eyes widening as she sat up.  
  
"Lizzie!" Gordo and Miranda gasped, amazed that their best friend wasn't dead.  
  
Lizzie rubbed her head, groaning. Suddenly, she began to wince as Gordo and Miranda enveloped her in a big hug.  
  
"Guys!" She proclaimed, surprised by their actions. "Stop! Can't breathe!"  
  
"Oh, sorry, Liz." They both apologized, yet were still grinning happily at her.  
  
"You okay, McGuire?" Gordo asked, grabbing hold of her hand.  
  
Lizzie smiled meekly, "Yeah what the hell happened?" She glanced around her surroundings, "And why am I in the nurse's office?"  
  
Before Gordo could explain, Miranda jumped in, slapping Gordo's arm. "Because this idiot had spilled Pepsi all over the hall way, causing you to slip and hit your head!"  
  
"Really?" Lizzie glanced from both Miranda and Gordo.  
  
Gordo nodded, his sad eyes gazing at her. "I'm really sorry, Lizzie. It was an accident. I didn't mean to. I swear."  
  
"I know, Gordo." Lizzie softly smiled, reaching out to caress his cheek. She suddenly surprised both him and Miranda by leaning over and giving him a light kiss on the lips. Shyly she pulled back and added, "I know you would never intentionally hurt me."  
  
Gordo began to blush, yet was unable to hide the pleased grin on his face.  
  
Miranda couldn't hold back her smirk. This was just too cute! They were just too cute! She then looked over at her best friend, smiling smugly at her. "So I take it you had quite an interesting dream, huh, McGuire?"  
  
Lizze began to laugh, rubbing her head again. "Yeah! You could say that! I, like, dreamed that we were the cast of Friends,' Good Will Hunting,' and Chasing Amy.' Isn't that totally weird?"  
  
"Definitely." Miranda agreed. She then glanced at Gordo, who was still dazed by the kiss. Miranda nudged him, breaking him out of his reveire.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
Miranda and Lizzie broke into a fit of giggles, causing Gordo to blush even more.  
  
He soon began slipping into his old self, shrugging off any crimson blush and embarrassment. "Uh, yeah that was a really strange dream, Lizzie I mean, who in their right mind would actually want to watch us on television?"  
  
A pause suddenly falls on them as Lizzie, Gordo, and Miranda suddenly turn towards_ us_, the fellow "audience," smiling meekly _us_.  
  


**THE END**  


****************************

Okay, okay, that's just R&R and please no flames! If it's completely un original, I'm sorry. This is just me and my little mind imagining about Lizzie and the gang in all those different films and tv.


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